Board: a Discord voice channel
Founded: a CVS parking lot
Dear Shareholders,
It has been a transformational quarter for PHARMA Holdings plc. Our market capitalization has reached a level our analysts describe as “pre-revenue, pre-product, pre-everything.”
Let me be candid about our peers. In 2012, GlaxoSmithKline agreed to plead guilty and pay $3 billion. In 2009, Pfizer paid $2.3 billion. These are the companies we look up to. Our entire treasury could not cover their legal department’s lunch order.
Our five-year plan is simple: become large enough to be fined.
Like our peers, we take patient safety extremely seriously. Our pipeline has never been stronger. Sixteen products are in development, including Copemethezine, Conspiraspirin and Lob-Be-Gone. Each has completed rigorous clinical evaluation.
We maintain a modest and responsible government affairs presence. Kyle has left four voicemails. We are optimistic about the fifth.
We are committed to publishing the results that matter.
Finally, a word about our Receipts Department. Marjorie has asked that I stop referring to fines as “settlement opportunities.” I have agreed to consider it.
Pharma fixes this.